138 Funny Sayings And One Liners To Tickle Your Funny Bone

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It doesn’t take Albert Einstein to figure out that everyone loves to laugh and hear some funny sayings every now and then, and your blog readers are no different.

In fact, the genius himself had a quirky sense of humor.

1.
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity."Albert Einstein
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When you’re sending newsletters or posting status updates on Facebook or Twitter, throw in a funny saying occasionally and brighten up an otherwise boring day.

Funny Sayings and Quotes

2.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not."Mark Twain
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3.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
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4.
"Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!"
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5.
"How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener."
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6.
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
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7.
"I get enough exercise pushing my luck."
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8.
"Death is hereditary."
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9.
"He who laughs last, didn’t get it."
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10.
"Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else."
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funny sayings


11.
"I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older … younger."
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12.
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
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13.
"The road to success is always under construction."
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14.
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
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15.
"Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid."
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16.
"I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone."
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17.
"Constipated people don’t give a crap."
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18.
"A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
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19.
"I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now."
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20.
"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come."
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funny jokes


21.
"Unicorns ARE real, they’re just fat and grey and we call them rhinos."
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22.
"Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?"
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23.
"Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own."
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24.
"If there is a *WILL*, there are 500 relatives."
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25.
"Half of the people in the world are below average."Funny and True
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26.
"When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets."
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27.
"Well-behaved women rarely make history."
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funny one liners


28.
"Never argue with stupid people; they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."Mark Twain
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29.
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
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30.
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
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31.
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
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32.
"If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?"
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33.
"Cheese… milk’s leap toward immortality."
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34.
"You couldn’t get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance."Edward Flaherty
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great jokes


35.
"Oh so you think I’m cute when I get angry? Well get ready because I’m about to be GORGEOUS."
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36.
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
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37.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."George W. Bush
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38.
"Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof."
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39.
"The problem with America is stupidity. I’m not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?"
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40.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
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More Funny Sayings And One Liners

41.
"Those who throw dirt only lose ground."
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42.
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep."
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43.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
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44.
"When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane."
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45.
"Ham and eggs – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
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funny quotes


46.
"Hey, remember that person you couldn’t live without? Well, look at you living and shit."
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47.
"I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"
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48.
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
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49.
"If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side."
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50.
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you."
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one liners


51.
"After Tuesday, even the calendar goes WTF."
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52.
"Children in the back seat cause accidents… accidents in the back seat cause children!"
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53.
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
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54.
"I can’t make you want me, all I can do is stalk you and hope you give in."
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55.
"I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means *put down*."Bob Newhart
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56.
"You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard."
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57.
"why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?"
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58.
"1492: Native Americans discover Columbus lost at sea."
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funny sayings


59.
"I’m just one step away from being filthy rich. All I need now is money."
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60.
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes."
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61.
"Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon."
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62.
"There’s no I in *team*, but there is in WIN."
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63.
"You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother."
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64.
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."
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funny sayings


65.
"So you mean to tell me my toes are not piggies?"
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66.
"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, age don’t matter."
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67.
"I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
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68.
"I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
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69.
"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"
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70.
"To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target"
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funny quotes


71.
"Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate interest."
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72.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
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73.
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before police."
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74.
"In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on."
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75.
"Change is good, but dollars are better."
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76.
"I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it."
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funny quotes


77.
"Good things come to those who work their asses off and never give up."
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78.
"A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station."
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More Funny Quotes Coming Your Way

79.
"If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?"
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80.
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the *Y* becomes silent."
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81.
"There are three kinds of people in this world; those who can count and those who can’t."
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82.
"Silence is golden but duck tape is silver."
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funny sayings


83.
"I love my sixpack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat."
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84.
"When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing."
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85.
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them."
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86.
"My Dad used to say *always fight fire with fire*, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade."Peter Kay
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87.
"This sentence is a lie."
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88.
"You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me."
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89.
"How is it that *fat chance* and *slim chance* mean the same thing?"
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funny phrases


90.
"I hate the word homophobia. It’s not a phobia. You’re not scared. You’re an asshole."Morgan Freeman
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91.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t."
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92.
"Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"
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93.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder."
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94.
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."Tommy Cooper
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95.
"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest."
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96.
"I got a car for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made."
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one liners


97.
"Why fit in when you’re born to stand out?"Dr Seuss
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98.
"The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette."
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99.
"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it."Ken Dodd
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100.
"Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake."
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Why Stop At 100 Funny Sayings When There’s Lots More?!

101.
"Beauty is a light switch away."
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102.
"Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted."
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103.
"I could’ve eaten alphabets and crapped out a better essay!"
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104.
"I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness."
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funny jokes


105.
"My blood type is coffee."
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106.
"Evening news is where they start by saying *Good Evening* and proceed by telling you why it’s not."
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107.
"If looks could kill, you would be a weapon of mass destruction."
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108.
"If practice makes perfect and nobody’s perfect, why practice?"
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109.
"You are a big wet blanket on my fire of fun!"
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110.
"If my calculations are correct, Slinky + escalator = everlasting fun!"
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111.
"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
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112.
"I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
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113.
"I can only please one person per day. Today isn’t your day… and tomorrow doesn’t look good either."
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one liner jokes


114.
"I see that you’re very closed-minded. Could you please try be more closed-mouthed."
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115.
"If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination."
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116.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception."Groucho Marx
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117.
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
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118.
"Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them."
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Wow. Even More Funny One Liners

119.
"I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people."
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120.
"If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."
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humorous jokes


121.
"OMG! My son fell out of a tree in the backyard! Should I call 911 or post it on Facebook first?"
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122.
"Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay..so if you keep reading, you’ll go broke."
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123.
"War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left."
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124.
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
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125.
"House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days."
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126.
"Never try to drown your troubles… Especially if he can swim."
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funny pictures


127.
"All our waiters are married. They know how to take orders."
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128.
"There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."
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129.
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."W.C Fields
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130.
"You can’t be late until you show up."
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131.
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling."
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132.
"Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway."
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humorous one liners


133.
"That moment when you walk into a spider web and suddenly turn into a karate master."
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134.
"I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was *Shout For Help*."Jimmy Carr
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135.
"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up."
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136.
"Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so are thunder and lightning."
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137.
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
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138.
"Trying is the first step towards failure."Homer Simpson
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Well, that’s it. What a list!

I hope you enjoyed each and every one of these funny sayings and don’t forget to share this article 🙂



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